Caught Between the Worlds
by Al
R and I went to a Fourth of July BBQ in Concord yesterday. The hosts were the friends that own Fields Books in San Francisco. They have a nice house with a pool out back and we got to mix with a bunch of people that we hadn’t necessarily seen in a while, such as Sam Webster, who performed our wedding ceremony back in 2004.
The mix was almost entirely Neopagans, which made it interesting for me. I mean, I’m sure there were the token non-pagans besides us, at least a Jew or two, but it was mostly, from what I gathered, Faery Trad and Open Source Order of the Golden Dawn people with at least one or two Asatru. While Golden Dawn types are not necessarily pagans, I think everyone in this crowd probably identifies as such.
This gave me the odd experience of being the token non-Pagan in the room (along with R). This is something that I’m still getting used to after having been a pagan from age 18 through 34 or 35, by self-identification. I had the same experience when R and I went down to the Pantheacon convention earlier this year to see friends. In many ways, I miss aspects of the pagan community. Locally, I don’t really have any Buddhist friends and am not part of a large or terribly active sangha (we’re building a small one now but there are three of us). Almost all of my friends fall into a few camps: hackers/tech types, Burning Man freaks, and Neopagans or magicians (and many are all three). It is odd having conversations with people as an interested and informed outsider as much as anything else. I spent so many years involved with doing ritual practice and study that it is strange to not have been doing so with them for a few years now. Much of the same sort of effort has gone into my Buddhist practice but it is very different in many ways. On its face, Buddhism doesn’t have the anarchic, experimental streak of experimentation and free thought that I experienced when I was a magician and a pagan. Of course, in some sense, it could have such things but it is very rare. How many Buddhist communities have a Do It Yourself ethic of experimentation and creativity in what they do? I think that the Friends of the Western Buddhist Order may, from what I’ve gathered, but that is probably the only one that comes to mind. So much of Buddhist ritual and thought, while very fulfilling and interesting, is either very much set in its way of doing things or starkly minimalistic (hello my Zen brothers and sisters!) in comparison.
I remember how surprised I was (and shouldn’t have been on reflection) when my friend, Jason Miller, showed me how he deconstructed the Namkhai Norbu core sadhana (the “Tun”), used in the Dzogchen Community, to act as a general ritual framework for tantric Buddhist practices with other deities, such as Vajrakilaya. The short retreat that I did with him and the others of the loosely gathered NgakpaZhonnuKhang group was one of the few times that I’ve seen a Neopagan or occultist level of experimentation with practices but, of course, every member of that group was a former (or current) magician or pagan as well as a Buddhist. That explained more of the willingness to try things differently.
NgakpaZhonnuKhang Retreat
In any case, this is less a post about experimentation in practices (which can become a dilettante’s game as well) than one about community and self-identification. The Buddhist community just seems so, well, dull, when compared to the freaks and weirdos that I spent my adulthood around. The visit at the BBQ and similar events just continues to remind me of that. I’m not sure what that means in the end. I doubt anyone has ever accused me of being a wild and crazy Dionysian sort of guy. If anything, quite the opposite in the Apolloan sense. When it comes down to it, I continue to feel at home with the pagans and occultists. I think a core part of who I am is really a part of that culture, pagan to the core, far more than I was ever the Roman Catholic of my childhood.
What does it mean to be a Buddhist priest who feels a strong affinity and identity with the pagans, the magicians, and even the Burners and other freaks? I don’t know. I do know that the community that I would feel most comfortable practicing with and teaching within is more that one than the seemingly staid and cerebral community that I so often have encountered with Buddhists (sex adverse and lacking in humor often as well). I bet my friend, Bill, will chime in a comment or two here, or perhaps Jason as well. There are quite a few of us caught between these two worlds (and possibly others) given the convoluted religious and spiritual landscape of the modern world. I mean, I have a former mentor of sorts who is, at the same time, a devout Vajrayana practitioner, a Taoist, a modern magician of a number of orders, and a Neoplatonist who studies the old texts.
Comments
Hey Al,
I get the idea there’s a fair amount of tantric experimentation back East, especially in the NYC area. There’s also some of the same ethical difficulties one found in Neo-Pagandom. Also, some of the Shambhala people have a foot in Neo-Paganism, especially some of the old Trungpa students who enjoyed the innovation of the Shambhala stuff but got turned off by the subsequent corporate kulturkampf.
The Norbu Tun does incorporate some recurring patterns, but the problem with messing around with one of those practices is that a lot of the benefit from them are the “blessings” that come from the transmission from the teacher. Changing things around to, e.g., refer to a different deity preserves the power of the magical structure, but risks losing the connection with the specific transmission. Whether that’s a problem depends, of course, on how much power the transmission actually has, but I’ve got a couple sadhanas that don’t appear that special structurally, and yet seem to have an effect beyond what’s on paper; they’re more than the sum of their parts. I tend to attribute that to where and how I got them.
W.B.
OK, well . . . . You said maybe two comments, and here’s the second. There’s the more or less sanitized version of spirituality, and then there’s this thing we could call spiritual power, virtue, merit, whatever. It’s a little like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stuart and his immortal phrase, “I know it when I see it.” Unlike the Supreme Court, this does not mean we need to spend the next two years watching porno movies, although . . . . OK, that can be spiritual power too, although one needs to work at it.
The two poles are to recognize that doing anything is ultimately meaningless, and that doing something constructive is the quintessence of enlightened mind. Or, immersion in being and immersion in life. Or, Emptiness as the absence of self-nature as opposed to Will as Becoming. Are these opposed? Only to a point, but the journey to and from that point is important! And we’ve had a long and honorable journey.
In the end, we’re left with the ambivalent imperative of remaining true to our highest understanding. It doesn’t help that that understanding is fleeting, insubstantial, indescribable, and occasionally attributable to non-indigenous sources. But it does help that that understanding frees us from, well, our own bullshit. We can be free and honest, or we can stand a chance of becoming impressive. Gee . . . . how much of a chance?
W.B.
Great post Al, as someone who also participates in Buddhist, Neopagan and Magickal paradigms, I am once again struck but the struggle that we have in the west in synthesising dharmic practice with our own “native” spirituality- Shinto, Bon and Taoism all seem to have provided a pagan context within which Buddhist teachings have evolved and provided a culturally relevant manifestation of the dharma.
What context do we provide in the west? The conversation between earth based spiritualities and buddhism seems critical so as to avoid the kind of dry, cerebral forms that we can be in danger of falling into.
thanks
Steve
Hi Al,
I hope this helps a little. I understand your dilemma and it is one that we all face upon this path.
the edge
living life at the edge
of my existence,
bringing meaning to ideas
where none exist.
struggling between the two worlds;
one complex and calculating,
the other vast as transparent space.
to be born into this world
is our first mistake.
to live life not of this world
is our only liberation.
attachment causes heartache—
non-attachment allows compassion,
opinions fall like dust
into the ocean.
desires transform to aspiration.
being at this edge
requires another step be taken.
the birds outside sing
to one another—
their song unites
all who can hear.
dochong, jdpsn
Thank you, Popsanim.
I still enjoy certain aspects of my Pagan past despite being mostly Buddhist now. Now, I celebrate the Pagan part of me more as a cultural part of my life than a religious one.