Open Buddha

Do you ever look at the life you lead and wonder how you got here? Do you
think about the person that you once were and wonder who that person was? While
an abstract thought, I mean it literally.

I sometimes look at the person I once was and I realize that I don't really
know that person anymore. That person probably didn't even know himself anyway
so he is, in a sense, unknown. I can see the kernel of who I am now in that
earlier version of me. I can see the tendencies that have developed or atrophied
in my current state but self-awareness, at least at my age and I hope forever,
seems to be an ever unfolding event.

This is important because I think that many people, consciously or
unconsciously, are trapped by either their previous conceptions of themselves
and their identities or just by the limitations that they set on themselves at
earlier junctures. They might have been reasonable at the time or they may have
been the naivity of youth. It is really hard to say and it doesn't matter.

You are always free. You can always recreate who you are. No sin cannot be
undone, even if their is a price to be paid for all actions…call it karma or
just results but you aren't imprisoned by these things. Sure, habits are
extremely hardy weeds and they'll grow out of the cracks when you're looking
elsewhere. You'll find yourself doing the same old things but you have a choice.

Much of what we are is set when we are children. Our basic attitudes towards
life, much of our way of relating to others. It is realistic to say that these
cannot really be changed. That is true but I do believe that awareness and
insight are great keys to opening doors. No, you may not change who you
fundamentally are, in certain ways, but awareness gives you choices. Besides,
who are you really?

Are you a collection of habits, good or bad? Are you a conception of self
that you formulated when you were a teenager. Do you still have to hate society
and where black because that is "who you are" (or do you still have to love
society and be a team player if you realize that there is emptiness there as
well)?

There is no you but there are the knots in our beings, whether it be mind,
soul, or something else, that we are somehow clustered in. You can untie the
knots and set free…nothing? They aren't really tied around anything but your
own conceptions and attachments. If you untie them, you will be free.

What does being free really mean? I don't know. I'd like to find out but I
must admit, candidly and honestly, that it makes me afraid. The knots are
comforting even when they are around your neck. Better the Devil that you know,
eh? I'm not a freewheelin' soul ready to take risks and dare all but I need to
be one, in the end.

As I have said before, there is a flaw that runs through the heart of the
world and it is shaped like yourself. Unless you are profoundly lucky (or
perhaps it is unlucky), you can feel it at least sometimes. The Matrix
stuck a chord with people when it came out because people could empathize with
much of what was being said. As Morpheus says,

"You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain,
but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something
wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a
splinter in your mind, driving you mad."

All of this feeds into my desire for change. While the grass is not always
greener, it is a different patch of grass and I do believe that life is
movement, as tantra teaches. Stability is stagnation and I've been stable for
most of eight years now. I know a change will come and I hope that I have the
courage to make it happen, embrace it and move forward with my life and to not
shirk away, choosing the easy way out. If I do, I fear I'll wind up old, fat,
and worn out. Just another fucking corporate drone that made some asshole all
the richer. Sure, I'll get my pound of flesh too, perhaps, but the flaw
will still be there, aching, in my heart.